I still love Ian.
This may sound implausible, but until the day I knew I was going to leave him, I did not know I was.
Question: Is it better to follow the course you are on, towards a mental breakdown and have to leave your home of six years, the only place you have ever absolutely fallen for? It is wild and it is truly beautiful. (Believe me, after such a spectacular decline, in such a place, I think I would have had to leave.) Or do you take some sort of control - fuck things up a bit, fuck up a few lives in the process? (And leave it anyway.)
That is not an entirely honest account of what happened. And I need to return to that, as I have returned most days since leaving.
But this page is Ian, not me.
Ian has read in a recent article that two years after a split from a long term relationship is the optimum time to get into another one. I cannot remember the exact details and I don't know where he got the information from. But basically, too early, you still have grieving to do, you are not ready. Wait beyond the optimum time and you are too set in your single habits to want to compromise with anybody else.
Ian says he is content again within himself. He is settling into his single habits. Katrina said to him a while back that if he went past the two years, she would pencil him a personal ad. I want to help.
Good things about Ian, in no order: He will always have something interesting to say on any subject. He reads a lot, he knows a lot and he thinks a lot. He tries to work on a moral philosophy that stems from what needs to done as a decent human being, rather than on a law. The law quite often backs up what he thinks, but as he says, the law is often arbitrary. He is able to cry at poignant films, thoughts, music - more so as he has grown older. He is prepared to say that he may be wrong. He is not macho. He is manly though. His eyes change colour, depending on mood, lighting, t-shirt colour. Ask four friends what colour they are and they will answer four different things. He enjoys ceilidh dancing and, while not 100% sure of all steps, is happy for someone who does know to lead. He dances vigorously with vigorous dancers and carefully with pregnant people, frail people and children.
He has an eclectic taste in music, ranging from Peter Gabriel to Nirvana, Boney M to First Aid Kit, with Tom Waits, Mozart and REM in between. Green Day is his current favourite.
He hates gossip and is distrustful of it. Tell him a secret and it will never go further.
He finds humour in things, in life. He also finds many things about life that depress him. He is good at shrugging off the things that depress him.
He tries to come up with new ideas, new ways of looking at things, new technology even - midge eradicators, alternative social plans, creative town planning, heating/cooling systems that don't hurt the planet, but utilise what is already there.
He tries not to be influenced by one newspaper or another, one political party or another. He tries to see through statistics and when he votes he tries to think about it. He has voted in different elections for different parties. Never the Tories. Although he doesn't write off what they say as a matter of course. There are some Tory things he thinks are better than other options.
He is honest. He does not like it when people lie, when people cheat, even with the small things.
He likes Tim Minchin as well.
I have learned so much from Ian, he helped me to grow up. I also know that I will learn more from him. I will always love him.
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